June

This has been a crazy month. Our second anniversary. Roy's parents came for a visit. Now our apartment looks something like a fort made of boxes instead of a home! We're moving next weekend into a new apartment. I debated whether or not we should move. It's only for one year. It's a lot of work to pack everything up and move it. Is it worth it? When the email came telling us we were accepted in to the apartment, all doubts faded and I haven't looked back! I'm pretty stoked. Now we're just praying for all things to go smoothly as we finish packing and get moved in a week from today.

In the meantime, I'm learning.

I'm learning that sometimes things in life can be going really well and that by anyone's normal standard, I should be happy. And sometimes I'm not. Sometimes my heart feels disconnected. Sometimes I really struggle to be content. To be grateful. To even care.

And I'm learning better how to go to Jesus in those times. To tell Him how I feel. How I want to feel. And how I know I can't do life on my own. Nothing new. No groundbreaking information. Just the same declaration that I'm a broken sinner in need of a Savior... every single day.

A couple weeks ago, a song called Blessings was sung for offertory at our church. I had never heard it before, and the words spoke to my heart.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

by Laura Story - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0

I looked this song up online and listened to it a few times. Ever since then, the lyrics have been grafted upon my mind. They are often playing through my head in the morning when I wake up. At first I tried to push them away, thinking that grasping onto this song too tightly may cause me to feel depressed or sad. But as the words continued to penetrate my heart and mind, they did the opposite.

I have been longing for my true home with an ache I cannot describe or explain. I am an alien in this land. This is not my ultimate destination. This world can't satisfy my deepest thirsts.

And it's not supposed to.

So now I'm pressing on. Each day I'm laying myself down at His feet, telling Him that I desperately need Him, asking for His strength, begging for the Spirit to do something in me, for me, and through me that I cannot do myself.

And He's getting me through. Not only getting me through, but reminding me of His goodness and faithfulness. Sending little rays of sunshine throughout my days to remind me of His continual presence. And I know that this time is making me more like Jesus. Even if I can't see it all right now, it's true. He promises to make it true. And I will cling to that truth as I grow in His grace.